Story of The Little Girl

Tuesday, July 7, 2009

My story is not a sob story, although it would be a big fluffy lie if I told you I have not done a significant amount of sobbing about my pudge over the years.

Once upon a time there was a cute little girl. All smiles, wispy blonde hair, and bright blue eyes. Her biggest concern was being messy (she usually failed to notice the holes in the knees of her tiny windpants, the stans on her tee-shirts and the stickyness of her hands.) One day a snippy little boy called the little six-year-old girl fat, and she was never the same. She became paranoid about what people thought of her. She assumed every whisper and giggle was about her floppy behind. She took every precieved comment to heart, and learned how to bury her emotions under food. She constantly compared herself to her friends, sure she did not measure up. And she started putting on weight. It came on like the speed of a train- slowly at first, chugging along through the years, gaining speed through junior high and high school, and hitting a break-neck pace in college.

She tried to hide behind her humor and her giant lady melons. And she constantly tried to fix herself. During her nightly prayers she would beg and plead, bargining with God for a free pass to skinny. She made attempts at change, but success was marginal and short-lived. There were shakes, bars, fad diets, attempted vegetarinaism, obscene amounts of water, low-carb, low fat, and half-attempts at starvation. She tried to run, rollerblade, bicycle, swim. She locked her bedroom door and danced around to old Richard Simmon's records. Mostly she would lay in her bed at night and imagine the blade of a sharp knife making several clean cuts that would elimiate all of her excess lard.

Sometimes 5 pounds would go, and sometimes 20 pounds would go. But it would always find a way back. At age 20, the little girl bought a scale and weighed herself for the first time in two years. She peered over her stretch-marked stomach and stared at the digital display accusing her of carrying 227 pounds. She felt a desperate panic followed by a surge of determination. She signed up for Weight Watchers Online, and managed to lose about 40 pounds over the course of 12 months. Then she met a boy and spent the next year in a cycle of gaining and losing. The little girl found herself back at 210 pounds.

She knew the year had not been a waste. She had fallen in love, and learned to let herself be loved. Her state of mind had started changing, and something miraculous happened. She started to live.

If you have not yet figured out that I, The Fluffy Girl, am that little girl.. well, then I am sorry for the trickery. But really, it wasn't that clever. Get with it, mister.

There are a lot more stories within my story. Funny stories, and sad stories. Most likley many pathetic stories wrapped up in cleverness. But don't get your panties in a bind, I will tell you everything. Eventually. 22 years of frutrating flub-fighting takes a while to detail. My fat and I have a long lumpy history. But we are negotiating the terms of a permanent seperation.

Today, at this very moment (actually several moments ago before breakfast) I weighed in on that same scale at 199.2 pounds. I am not letting anyone else boss me around in my weight-loss, I finally figured out that I like to be in charge of myself. I constatnly devour new helpful nutrition information, and would love to spew some of it out at you. And I also need a place to spew my sucess, and set-backs. My new stories and old stories.

Two years ago, five years ago, ten years ago- this blog would have been full of teary entries typed with fingers greasy from fast-food french fries. But it is a lot more interesting this time around.


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