Breast Cancer 3Day!

Wednesday, September 30, 2009

Have I mentioned that I am a Breast Cancer 3Day Walker? Well, I am! In fact, this is my third year walking in this amazing event!

Do you know how hard it is to train for a 60 mile walk and raise a minimum of $2,300 when you are a poor college student. And your friends are poor college students. And if people have an extra ten bucks, they are going to buy beer... Not save breasts.

Well it's hard, people. Seriously hard. Ridiculously Freaking Hard. Less then six weeks until the walk, and I am only 21% to my fundraising minimum.

I plan on writing more about why this is such an important cause to me tomorrow night (right now I am in the midst of a reading and paper-writing all-nighter.) But I figured I would start shamelessly linking my 3Day donation webpage onto my blog, in case anyone is curious about the event or even inclined to donate.

So... Go ahead. Help the Tenacious Turtles (my team) Save Second Base.

http://www.the3day.org/goto/amandaholman

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The Mister

Monday, September 28, 2009

When do you know that your emotions have spiraled out of control? When you start crying because the tiny alien who lives inside the human's head in Men in Black dies... And you are not even watching the movie... You are just thinking about it.

And how do you know that you are the luckiest lady in the world? When your fiance does not laugh at your tears, but realizes they are coming from somewhere else. And he does not pry, yet still manages to open you up. And make you actually smile. And feel like yourself again.

And somehow the next day you manage to lose 2 pounds regardless of the chocolate chip cookie. Obviously he has magical powers.

Let the flub-fighting resume.

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Success!

Sunday, September 27, 2009

Sound the trumpets! I made it through the day successfully!

There were mid-day and mid-night cravings for sweet things.. salty things... any things... But I pushed through. Finally!

I suppose battling through the tough cravings again is the prize I pay for slacking off a bit the past few weeks. But I am going to stay focused and take them down!

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Finally Finally Finally

Saturday, September 26, 2009

I'm back bitches. Recently I have had a mixture of good and bad days- slowly getting worse and worse. I gave my recent creeping bad habits a glorious sendoff last night. The weather was gorgeous last night, and the future Mister took me out to a fabulous restaurant with an even more fabulous patio. I had a black bean burger and sweet potato fries (not the worse, not the best nutrition wise.) But I also had a Butter Beer- Harry Potter fans? It was right there on the drink menu- listed as the favorite drink of the wizarding world. And it was fan-freaking-flipping-tastic. There was whipped cream on the top, which sounds odd, but was amazing! I think it would be frighting to know how many calories were in that little number.

All of that does not sound too bad, I realize, but factor in: several cookies, cheese spread and crackers, microwave pizza, yogurt and chocolate chips, and a giant heaping of tortilla chips in the middle of the night- seriously.

I woke up this morning feeling the same. Still not caring. Seriously, I went into the kitchen first thing in the morning not craving anything, but just resigned to making poor decisions. There is not a whole lot of junk food around, so I dug through the cupboards and found myself about 2 seconds away from zapping a giant bag of buttery microwave popcorn. First thing in the morning. Gross! Then it hit me- just smack in the face- that it was starting all over again. And I am so happy with where I am at right now and where I am going, I really don't want to backpedal. So I had some toast and a tablespoon of reduced fat peanut butter with a cup of coffee- followed by a giant glass of water. Then I went walking for an hour, enjoying the day.

I think (hope) that I have finally settled back into my groove. And I promise to stop hiding from my blog.

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Fail

Wednesday, September 23, 2009

I am failing. Miserably. At everything.

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Blech.

Tuesday, September 22, 2009

Up late reading/studying again. Maybe I would not have to pull an all nighter if the book I paid to have air-mailed to me would have arrived on time. But no. It did not. So here I am, with a copy that boyfriend and I managed to track down at a library. A copy that has not been checked out since 1968, which seriously depresses me. Even more than the fact that I freaking paid for expedited shipping and here I sit, with no book. Unable to make margin notes. It has been a rough week or so, school wise. I am a pot of coffee into my night, and oh so starving.

Note to self: when you are going to add an extra six hours onto your day by studying until ungodly hours- save some of those precious calories. You will be hungry. And cranky.


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Time Capsule

Sunday, September 13, 2009

It has been about twelve weeks since I finished reading Bob Harper's book Are You Ready? I followed every.single.step of the first section of the book, which involves the mental component of weight-loss. The "inner-compass" as he calls it. One element of that was a time capsule. Nothing too fancy, just answering some questions and sealing them away for twelve weeks. I also included a note to my future self, because I am just that nerdy.

Well, the envelope has been sitting in my desk drawer for the past three months. Technically I was not supposed to open it for another three days or so, but I justified my actions by imagining how busy I will be this next week. No harm done. How did it go? Honestly, it was revealing to read my thoughts from back in June. I have come so far. The girl who wrote that was by no means at the beginning of this journey- over two years of legwork were invested. But it really was amazing to see how different my thoughts are now. I was so hard on myself. So negative (but always trying to put a positive disguise on the negativity.)

And now? Well, now I am content. Most days. Most moments. I don't turn my head as I walk into the bathroom to avoid my own reflection. I don't put my makeup on using only the tiny mirror in my makeup bag. And, in reading the time capsule, I realized something truly significant. I can not remember the last time I put on an outfit, saw myself in the mirror, and tore it off in disgust. Most days of my life, getting ready in the morning has involved frustration and tears. I always said that I hated my clothes, but really I just hated how I looked in them. It may sound silly, but it has been very painful. It is not that my body looks perfect in everything now. Absolutely not. But the way I think has drastically changed. Those emotional fits are just a hazy memory.

So here I am, 185 pounds. The lightest I have been since high school. Comfortable in my own skin. And not only do I embrace the scale every morning, I do a little naked dance after- no matter what the number says.

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Stomach Flu Monster

Thursday, September 10, 2009

Hurdles I have needed to jump this past month include:

1. Move to N&Js (the aunt and uncle letting me board for free.)

2. Vacation home to Minnesota.

3. Engagement and week long post-engagement celebrations.

And introducing the latest hurdle...

4. TERRIBLE HORRIBLE NO GOOD VERY BAD STOMACH FLU.

Yes friends, there is a reason for my recent absence- it is not simply becoming a bad habit for me to abandon the blogging world. I have been down since Sunday with the worst stomach flu of my life. But I am now sitting upright, and have food in my stomach. I think things are finally turning around.

Want to hear something interesting? Yes? Numbers 1-3 on my little listy are all fantastic things, but were challenges to my current healthy lady mindset. Number 4, on the other hand, was awful. Yet it did nothing but strip the weight off me (although I definitely was not doing any form of healthy eating.) Tricksy life.

So I just call them all hurdles. The first three I jumped over with the carefree energy of a kid in the playground (although I banged my toes a few times.) And the last one I just ran straight into. And then fell over on top of it. And realized it had spikes. Which impaled me. And then I was eaten by a stinky sweaty monster (the chubby dragon-like type.)

And that's my story. I am officially re-entering society.

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Sadie Sadie (almost) Married Lady!

Friday, September 4, 2009

I have been engaged for a week, and am still as happy as a chubby little clam. It has been a week of celebrating- with much drinking and eating. Right after a week of vacation- with much drinking and eating. I know I mentioned this all in my last post, but seriously.. Things have been nuts.

I have had serious amounts of trouble getting back into the swing of things. But today, for the first time since my vacation, I woke up feeling like my old self health-wise. So I stepped on the scale and noted my two pound gain. Meh- what's two pounds? Nuffin. Bring it on wedding dress.

Most people would probably find power in a looming goal like this, but I tend to shrink back in the face of concrete weight-loss goals. But I am beyond thrilled about the engagement, and I am going to make it my goal to continue just as I have been. Slow and steady. Getting healthy. And I know I will feel and look wonderful on the big day.

I mean, I have until next summer, even slow and steady progress will make a big impact in 10 months time!


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And I Return

Wednesday, September 2, 2009

I am still alive and kicking. Although I feel more like I am thrashing than kicking with a purpose these days. I realize that I stopped blogging mid-vacation, but I figured that would happen. I tend to abandon all of my normal daily routines when I go to Minnesota. So how did the trip end up? Not awful. I gave in and drank a lot of wine, and one night indulged in taco pizza with my mother.. plus a few other not-so-seller choices. But I didn't do anything terrible. It was vacation. And I only gained a pound, which came right back off within a couple of days.

I am more concerned with how I am doing now. I have officially been back from the vacation for a week now, and I have yet to fall into my groove. I have not been tracking my food, and not really caring. And although I have by no means gone off the deep-end, I know my patterns, and I know where I am headed. I am trying not to be fearful. I just want to get back into my recent frame of mind. I need to find that strength in myself and excitement about healthy living again. If you have seen it- please ask it to call me.

And amidst all of this post-vacation adjustment, I am dealing with impromptu parties and meals out with friends, and drinks with friends. Why? Well we have been celebrating an engagement, silly.

My engagement.

To boyfriend.

Who shall henceforth be known as... Mister? Yes. I think Mister will do just fine.

I even have the ring to prove it, folks. So I have basically been floating in the clouds since last Friday. It has been amazing. But as I slowly float back down towards the ground, I wonder why the impending wedding dress has not kicked me into high gear already? Well, I guess I know. I have proven over and over again that some distant goal/event does not help me with weight loss. It eventually messes up my mind- I go crazy crunching numbers (and not doing actual crunches) and at some point it breaks me.

So here's to remembering how to live healthy just for the sake of it. And me. And if nothing else, for my poor skin.

I'm getting married!

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