Time Capsule

Sunday, September 13, 2009

It has been about twelve weeks since I finished reading Bob Harper's book Are You Ready? I followed every.single.step of the first section of the book, which involves the mental component of weight-loss. The "inner-compass" as he calls it. One element of that was a time capsule. Nothing too fancy, just answering some questions and sealing them away for twelve weeks. I also included a note to my future self, because I am just that nerdy.

Well, the envelope has been sitting in my desk drawer for the past three months. Technically I was not supposed to open it for another three days or so, but I justified my actions by imagining how busy I will be this next week. No harm done. How did it go? Honestly, it was revealing to read my thoughts from back in June. I have come so far. The girl who wrote that was by no means at the beginning of this journey- over two years of legwork were invested. But it really was amazing to see how different my thoughts are now. I was so hard on myself. So negative (but always trying to put a positive disguise on the negativity.)

And now? Well, now I am content. Most days. Most moments. I don't turn my head as I walk into the bathroom to avoid my own reflection. I don't put my makeup on using only the tiny mirror in my makeup bag. And, in reading the time capsule, I realized something truly significant. I can not remember the last time I put on an outfit, saw myself in the mirror, and tore it off in disgust. Most days of my life, getting ready in the morning has involved frustration and tears. I always said that I hated my clothes, but really I just hated how I looked in them. It may sound silly, but it has been very painful. It is not that my body looks perfect in everything now. Absolutely not. But the way I think has drastically changed. Those emotional fits are just a hazy memory.

So here I am, 185 pounds. The lightest I have been since high school. Comfortable in my own skin. And not only do I embrace the scale every morning, I do a little naked dance after- no matter what the number says.

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