Red Eyes

Tuesday, February 16, 2010

I came home this week so that I could go to class, but I did not go to class today. At all. I just stayed in bed and cried.

Then I retreated to Kevin's place and found some comfort there, and even laughter.

Now I came home and have received a group message from friends in my ASL class about meeting up to study tomorrow. And the most recent message on the thread is jokingly chastising me for not being in class. Sent to the whole group. So now I feel pathetic for not going, and anxious about the amount of work I have to do. There is no time for catch up. I already feel so far behind.

I feel empty. Desperate for a distraction. And today, after a successful weekend.. Coping with my emotions in a more proper way- I found that distraction and comfort in food. Of course.

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Back for now

Monday, February 15, 2010

Had to come back to Texas yesterday evening. Hospice is coming to see my Grandpa today, and it will be only a matter of days. Maybe a week.

The doctor says he is non responsive- but when my cousin and I told him an old joke he had with the three granddaughters, a huge smile went up his face.

And when I was saying goodbye, just the two of us in the room, he cried. He can't talk. I don't know if he even knows who I am or what I am saying. But he cried. And then I left. The next time I see him will be at his funeral.

My heart is breaking.

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My day.

Friday, February 12, 2010

My grandpa is going to die. I am flying to Minnesota today. Hard to pretend it is not happening when you are on your way there.

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Finally Photos

Tuesday, February 9, 2010

Confession time.

I have been avoiding my "before photos." I have them, of course, but have been hesitant to share them. I always figured that I would share them when I met my goal weight- no sooner. And here I am, three years into my flub-fighting mission, and only halfway to my goal.

But today I feel empowered. I am proud of how far I have come, and excited about where I am headed- no matter how long it takes to get there.

So... Without further adieu.


Before Photos:

Getting close to my highest weight...


I had actually lost about 20 pounds here


The weight was packing on. Cringe.



Not As Before Photos:




My best friend, and inspiration: Anna the Marathon Runner

Looking more svelte at my third Breast Cancer 3Day with my ladies!


So there you have it. I will take some proper comparison shots at some point, but you get the idea. And if you can't possibly wait to see more of my lovely face, you can always glance back at the engagement photos!


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Ughhhh.

Monday, February 8, 2010

If you are what you eat, then today I was:

  • A bagel with honey almond cream cheese
  • A Reese's Christmas Tree (about the size of a regular tree)
  • Oneish serving of stale tortilla chips
  • A store brand Nutri-Grain bar (my fruit for the day, apparently)
  • Several large handfuls of Cheez-Its
  • Four chewy valentines mints
  • Lots of coffee
  • Diet Coke (love that aspartame)
Monday hates me. And now my stomach hates me, too.

But I refuse to hate myself.


Housekeeping: I was just notified that my comments feature has not been working- for quite some time apparently. Whoops. Comment option has been restored.

Carry on.

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Breakdown Baby

Tuesday, February 2, 2010

Had a little breakdown last night. Okay, a ridiculous breakdown. I literally fell to the ground on my knees and yelled when I realized that I had accidentally eaten a half cup instead of a quarter cup of rice with dinner.

Apparently I had REALLY been looking forward to some almonds after class, but the extra rice put me at the top of my daily limit. In case you didn't catch it before, I will repeat myself. I literally fell onto my knees, yelling and crying, and held my head in my hands curled up on the floor. The floor of my fiance's apartment. While he sat 10 feet away watching me. Then I continued to freak out and would not let him talk to me about it for an hour.

But I did let him talk to me eventually. I even listened. Really listened- he broke through all of my stubbornness. I have been struggling so much the past few months, even on my good days, but I feel different today. Perhaps it is not so bad after all, letting the blockade down.

Here's to the people who love us in our worst moments, and the people who will read about them without judgment.

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